The Tale

About my daughter's Graduation .... I will start with me , her mother. Things have been winding up tighter then a a spring watch about to burst. I keep asking for a less eventful life, one which features mostly happy fun events, which have no real impact on me, or the people around me. It's as if ever since I decided to rejoin the world of the living it has been nothing less then a roller coaster of crazed events which occurs willy-nilly. I just ride them out. I find my self wondering what the next big adventure will be. 

I guess I feel as if I need some sort of prelude into the events of my daughters graduation day. A day I have secretly prayed would happen before she was to become pregnant. An event her father seemed so incapable of ever foreseeing. I myself hoping daily that she could keep her word and wait until she was 36. Still the moment that I heard that her significant other was making a very livable wage ... I knew the next important call would be "guess what mom"..... and yes I guessed, soon there would be a baby. With baited breath I asked "and how about University" well thank goodness she was still attending and only had a few more classes to go.

She had insisted on doing it her way and had refused my offers to pay for an education of her choice at the university of her choice ... she it seemed preferred the route of junior college and being able to stay in her home town maintaining friendships with her non university going pals also staying in her home town. And so it went year, after, year, after, year, going to junior college and working small time jobs. At last she proudly announced her AA graduation. That was for me, half of a sigh of relief. I feared that she would not move on to University. 

Marty and Kendra on Graduation Day	Jeremy and Kendra on Graduation Day

At last she did go ... .on line, in this way avoiding making contact with what most people covet, the college atmosphere. That was not her plan. I am not sure why it is that she went to college, why she decided she needed a degree. I guess for me, I needed her to have that degree, because I feel what an uncertain world this is we live in and that degree seems like a sort of safety net. What I know is, that the world is kinder to those who have the degree. I needed to know that she could take care of herself, in something I call a meaningful way. 
My relief in knowing that she has accomplished this goal for what ever reason or motivation is so overwhelming for me that I feel I kind of painful sense of relief. So many times I have heard her say to me "Mom that is not a dream I have for myself, that is a dream that you have for me." I have lived with the fear that like so many dreams, I have had for her, this one would be shunned as well. It is like having terror that something most horrendous may be reported, then learning your fearful haunting is not to come to pass. I feel guilt and ashamed if all this was done some how for my benefit.

I wonder now what dreams she and the Father of her son, now dream for that new born to come this mid August. I hear it in their voices as they cuddle together in front of the refrigerator. This is where they have posted the sonogram, which features his hands forming a peace sign, among may other landscapes, of his being. I am sure they can not hear the expectation in their joy, as they begin to script so unknowingly, the adventures of family life to come. 

Yet my personal sense that she has bought herself a ticket, which will eventually serve her, well past the inconvenience or difficulty in achievement. It is there for her. It will not only serve her, but her family. Although it may not be evident to her at this point, as she moves forward in life, she will feel the embrace of her education. It has changed her world view forever. 

Marty and Kendra on Graduation Day	Marty on Graduation Day

I am proud, and relieved , my chest aches and my face grimaces in a terrible pain, such is the level of my gratitude of these fortuitous moments, even as I recall them. 
Ah, but the day itself, what a perfect day it was, the weather so balmy. My whole body was so tense. I felt like I was about to explode. I felt so weak and vulnerable. I sat alone looking out at the crowd listening to words and being flooded by so many memories that it hurt. At last I could be seated no longer, and felt the need to get a little bit closer. I wander as near the stage as I could and stood there with those too anxious to be seated and ..... then like no other name had been called, one name sung with perfect resonance in my ear, it was her name, and there she was reaching across her pregnant body (smiling so beautifully) for that empty blank that would soon hold her degree. Like the empty crib that would soon hold her son. 

Yes, I cried, and I would cry off and on all though the night, and the next day, at her celebration party, and at home. What a Memorial day weekend.